painfully awkward

i’ll shove one up your fucking ass…and so facebook quickly became myspace, which replaced friendster, which at some point (along with e-mail, text messaging and the bbm) replaced people actually talking to each other. do people actually have so little to do that they would take the time to click a button to “throw a sheep” at their friend. who needs a virtual hug? would you hug that person in real life? do you really need to broadcast what you are doing 24 hours a day?

x is so thirsty right now.
x is going downstairs to get some vitamin water.
x is kind of unhappy that the deli is out of b-relaxed vitamin water and has decided to try defense instead, knowing that it might not be as good as b-relaxed.
x is kind of enjoying defense.
x is typing on facebook how much she likes defense flavored vitamin water because she knows that this is the type of information her friends would like to know about her.

unless x is sitting around naked hoping for me to come over and make out with her x needs to slow her fingers. the only thing she is doing is wasting a lot of her time which doesn’t speak well for x.

want to wish someone a happy holiday? don’t do it on facebook, pick up your phone and call them! equally offensive are the friends that everyone has that hopefully drank too much around midnight and decided they really liked all of their friends and had no choice other than to send out a mass text message wishing a happy new year. is it really necessary to wish someone a happy new year? isn’t it kind of assumed that your friends would wish you happiness in the new year? i wouldn’t really want to know anyone who was hoping me to enjoy a tragic new year…or would i?

imagine the day when people no longer experience things for themselves and only exist in a virtual world – have you met my cyber-girlfriend? she is 5’10″ and weighs 115 pounds, fifteen of which is evenly distributed in her chest. she does not care that when she wears heels she is much taller than me. next week we are moving into our new house in the middle of central park. it is checkered in goyard, the bathroom is designed by hedi slimane, and radiohead songs play in place of a doorbell. our bed is eighty feet by one hundred feet, though we both tend to sleep rolled in tiny balls (exaggerated by the largeness of the bed). in our library the walkmen play new songs all day and upstairs allah scrubs our toilets. everyday she goes out to ten different markets to pickup fresh ingredients so that i can prepare a nice dinner and then she insists on cleaning up as soon as we are done eating. she spends money like she is in a third world country, but encourages me that i do need that extra ipod! what’s that you say? “have i ever kissed my cyber girlfriend?” totally! i sent her a kiss this morning – and a bagel, a copy of the ny times (headline – painfully awkward author feels up girl, dies, will be buried in times square tomorrow!), and the ny post (she hates the daily news because it has too much stuff about long island and queens). oh? you mean in real life? well…she sends me text messages telling me that she loves me, so she must! right? riGHT? RIGHT?

basically what people need to realize is that everything you do reflects on you as a person. when you click the button to give the hug, lay the egg, or throw the sheep you aren’t just giving the hug, laying the egg, or throwing the sheep – you are saying i don’t spend my time very wisely and have the maturity of a small child. now if you’ll excuse me i am going to unwrap the book on fire-farting that i ordered and go light up the sky. i’ll text you when i post the pics on facebook.

*in all fairness to facebook the epicurious recipe of the day has taught me how to make some new dinners and on a slow day can be among the better parts of the day unless the recipe contains pork. i do not eat pork because i do not like it, not because i am jewish.

update: who knew? put me down for two at virtual clinton street baking company. the virtual me will be tsubi-jean-skinny, but still able to eat as much as he wants.